Category Archives: Recipe

A RECIPE FOR ROBINSON’S SALAD

Ingredients

1 bunch seaweed

1 jellyfish

4 limpets

Foot after foot just follow your feet. Towards the tide. Grey tops collapsing onto one another. Don’t drink the water. Fire down the coast. Old power station. Plumes drifting upwind. Avoid acrid smoke. Blocks of masonry jutting from the sand, concrete cubes, some kind of military architecture, pillboxes. No one. No one for weeks. No one for years. No one. No footprints.

All gone. Just gone. Taken. Must have been taken. How else. Where else. People don’t just go. The imprint of Sarah’s head in her pillow, traces of scent around the sheets, which one, chanel, number five, slippers on the ground. Sarah gone. Taken. Taken. Forces beyond my ken.

Follow a stream trickle rivulet down to a rock pool. Plunge arm in to elbow. Pull out a handful of seaweed – some kind of bladderwrack. Bad eating but better than nothing.

Blanch the seaweed in salted water. Drain and toss with sesame oil.

Void on the radio. Dead static. Voices in there if you listen hard enough. Voices everywhere if you listen too hard. The mind makes voices. Like this one. This one.

Nothing on the telly. There’s nothing on the telly again. Darling. Nothing. Interference. No broadcasts. The mast at Elmley Moor still standing but no one at the studios. Masts one, people nil.

To the left a jellyfish. Sand plasma. Wibble wobble on a plate. Watch the sting. Scoop it with sand beneath into the bucket. Wash sand off later. Pickle it maybe.

Remove the tentacles following the instructions on page 32. Dice the body of the jellyfish. Marinade in the rice vinegar mix for at least six hours.

Limpets on the rocks. Take knife from boot holster, prise the fattest ones off. One, two, three, four, five, once I caught a fish alive. Keeps the spirits up does singing. Hah! That’s a good one. What’s the use in worrying, it never was worthwhile. WHILE!

Troubles troubles troubles. The trouble starts when it’s out your head. In here’s all fine. So pack up you troubles in your old kit bag and smile boys smile.

Boil the limpets. Chop them. Treat them like clams.

Serve with a foam made from the shellfish reduction.

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Why I Want to Eat David Cameron

(with apologies to JGB)

Ion Chromatography has revealed that the face of David Cameron is rich in umami.

The ears of David Cameron are deliciously crispy when deep-fried and served with flaked sea-salt.

The cheeks of David Cameron will reward patient slow-cooking in their own unguent juices.

David Cameron has been raised on a diet of milk and acorns and his flanks have been daily massaged in craft beer. His limbs should be hung for at least forty days before being prepared for the table. The flesh of David Cameron will be marbled with fat and contains a unique enzyme that encourages the production of red blood cells.

The belly of David Cameron should be brined for at least five days and soaked in clean water for a further day before being braised in red wine with a bouquet garni.

Ask your butcher to joint the lower legs of David Cameron across the bone to produce four steaks. These osso bucci will yield a delicious marrow, which you can suck free from its casing. Serve with risotto Milanese and gremolata.

The liver of David Cameron has been tenderised by overfeeding. It should be poached in milk and made into a pate. Serve with a red onion marmalade and toasted brioche.

The kidneys of David Cameron are best devilled and served with a glass of black velvet as a luxurious breakfast.

The lights of David Cameron should be discarded.

The sweat-breads of David Cameron should be bread-crumbed and deep-fried.

The chitterlings of David Cameron should be marinaded in a secret mix of ‘erbs and spices.

David Cameron has no trout or snotters. He is not a pig.

The penis of David Cameron is considered a counter-aphrodisiac by the Chinese.

The testicles of David Cameron are known as Home Counties Oysters.

The brains of David Cameron have a creamy texture compared by some to that of scrambled eggs.

The heart of David Cameron will be desiccated. Care will need to be taken to remove the assorted growths and tumours that will have contributed to its long-term blackening. Typical slow-cooking techniques will likely be insufficient to make it palatable. Outlandish culinary experiments in mummification using preservatives and emulsions derived from ancient Egyptian models suggest that it may yet be possible to consider this part of the animal for the table although this course of action is not endorsed by the author.

GC-Olfactometry testing shows that the blood of David Cameron has base notes of naphtha and leather. It can be combined with oats and spices to make an unusually piquant black pudding.

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A RECIPE FOR TÊTE DE VEAU

Ingredients

  • The entire heads of two white veal calves
  • Four leeks
  • Four onions
  • Four carrots
  • Four sticks of celery
  • Peppercorns
  • Salt
  • A bouquet garni of parsley, thyme and bay
  • One pike, cleaned and gutted

Apparatus

  • A selection of razors
  • A blowtorch
  • A paring knife
  • An axe
  • A copy of the Eikon Basilike, The Pourtrature of His Sacred Majestie in His Solitudes and Sufferings
  • A copy of Milton’s Defensio pro Populo Anglicano (these need not be first editions; facsimile reproductions would be preferable to photocopies)

NOTE

Under treason felony, imagining regicide is a crime.

The eye will come out entire, cone-shaped

INSTRUCTIONS

Write an invitation including the following text: ‘You are invited to a dinner of tête de veau. 30th January. RSVP.’ Include a secure return address. Do not trust email.

You may include the following lyric sheet with your invitations.

Now let us sing, carouse and roar

The happy day has come once more

For to revel

Is but civil

As our fathers did before

Who, when the tyrant would enslave us

Chopped his calves head off to save us.

Remove all skin, hair and fat from the heads. Residual fat will result in the finished dish having a bitter flavour. Remove the hair by a combination of shaving and burning. The burning will produce a foul smell. Inhale it deeply. The particulate will enter your body through the olfactory membranes and certain bio-chemical responses will occur. The skin will be removed by cutting and pulling. Take care with the incisions. The skin will come away easily over the scalp but with difficulty around the eyes. Look into the eyes of the calf. What do you see? Imagine the calf carousing in a Las Vegas hotel room. Imagine its views on contemporary architecture. Imagine it applying sun tan lotion to the bare flanks of its partner. Is it human?

Residual fat will result in the finished dish having a bitter flavour. Pare away fat wherever it is found. You will need a sharp paring knife.

Remove the tongues from each head and reserve. Cleave one head in two laterally, aiming between the eyes. You may use a cleaver or an axe for this. Do not look into the eyes of the calf at this point in the recipe. The remaining two heads should be maintained in the piece.

Poach each head with its tongue, two carrots, two leeks, peppercorns and plenty of salt. Poach over a low heat or in a cool oven (120 C) for at least five hours. Test with a meat skewer. When the calves’ heads are ready the skewer will pass through the meat with ease. Take care not to undercook. Allow the cleaved head to cool in the poaching liquid. Remove what is left of the eyes. You may want to peer into the eye sockets of the calf. What do you see? The crematoria of Cornwall?

The cleaved head you should slice thickly, serving the meat with broth and slices of the calf’s brain. Into the mouth of the cooled complete head, insert a pike. This represents tyranny. You may cook a third complete head, allow it to cool and strip it of all meat and sinew, to use as a toasting cup. This part of the recipe is optional.

ORDER OF SERVICE

  • Ceremonial burning of Eikon Basilike, The Pourtrature of His Sacred Majestie in His Solitudes and Sufferings
  • Swearing of an oath over Defensio pro Populo Anglicano
  • Singing of anthem
  • Toast to patriots
  • Dinner
  • Collection (please give generously)

Postscript

“Nature and laws would be in ill case if slavery were eloquent, and liberty mute; if tyrants should find defenders, and they that are potent to master and vanquish tyrants should find none.” John Milton, Defensio pro Populo Anglicano

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